The irony of course, and what I’ve discovered through experience, is that it’s sexy to ask someone “Can I kiss you?”. Here’s why:
Receiving a verbal, flat-out no, is the strongest form of rejection. Sure, it’s not pleasant to have a cheek turn away from you, but hearing that actual words no, is more soul-crushing.
If a man or woman had the courage to ask, they’re going out on a limb. They’re putting themselves out there in a vulnerable position. If that’s not confidence, I don’t know what is.
It shows that you think of the other person as an autonomous person, and by giving them the ability to chose, you are giving them a voice. You are no longer objectifying them. You are valuing their thoughts and desires.
Third, it makes the other person feel comfortable.
Making out, or anything more sexual is not enjoyable when you don’t feel comfortable and taken cared for. If he/she/they is not feeling safe, whatever you’re doing will not be pleasurable for either you or him/her/them.
I would also like to point out some of the flaws in the reasons for why one shouldn’t explicitly ask.
First flawed reason: I don’t need to ask. I can tell by body language.
Um… I’m calling, bullshit. There is no one with 100% accuracy who can tell the difference between someone who is incredibly friendly and flirty.
Body language is a key component. Don’t get me wrong, but it’s like the sketch of a picture. Verbal language is the color. You need both body language and verbal consent to get the full picture.
Second flawed reason: It ruins the momentum.
Really? It ruins the momentum? I’m not buying it. You haven’t done anything yet. Finding and putting on a condom, that’s something that ruins the momentum because you’re already in the middle of something. It’s annoying as hell, but you always do it.
With this, though, you haven’t started anything yet, so how can it ruin momentum? You were dancing? Great! Ask, and if he/she/they says yes, then make out while you start dancing again. If the momentum can be lost THAT easily, then there was nothing really there, and you shouldn’t be doing anything to begin with.
Third flawed reason: I want the guy to have the courage to go for it.
Already explained. It requires more courage to ask that to just “go for it.”
I was in a bar. I ordered a drink next to a woman and we spoke for about an hour. She was flirty, touching my leg, laughing. I thought I was killing it. I asked her if I can kiss her, and she erupted into laughter.
“No! God no!” She said. I started laughing because I was embarrassed, but also because it was funny how much I misread the situation.
Through my awkward laughs, I managed to get out, “Thank God I asked.”
She continued laughing. “Yeah, sorry. I don’t want to, but…” then she trailed off to what we were talking about prior. We spoke for another hour and then I hugged her before she left. My friends came over and asked what happened. “She seemed so into you,” they said. I said, “Yeah, I thought so too. But apparently, she wasn’t. Great talking to her, though.”
I look back on this and smile. I got rejected. I got laughed it. But it’s kind of humorous how much she didn’t want to kiss me. How badly I misread the situation.
That said, I’m still alive. I’m stronger for it, and I’m happy I asked. Life happens. You will get rejected, but that’s a good thing. That means it was the right decision to ask in the first place.
So ask. Always ask. You’ll grow as a person because of it, and your partner will like you even more for confidently displaying how much you respect them.
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